Bill Varner’s poems have appeared in Boston Review, Cimarron Review, The Cincinnati Review, Dialogist, Journal of the American Medical Association, New Ohio Review, The National Poetry Review, New Ohio Review, The Penn Review, The Shore, Southeast Review, and elsewhere. He’s been a finalist for the Erskine J. Prize from Smartish Pace and the Maine Literary Award. His chapbook, Leaving Erebus (Seven Kitchens Press, 2019) was selected by Marjorie Maddox as the winner of the Keystone Chapbook Series. He grew up in York, Pennsylvania, and now makes his home in southern Maine.
But what scares him to the bone? Read on to find out…
What is your earliest childhood memory of fear?
I have two brothers, seven and ten years older than I am. We were living in a house with a hatch that opened up directly to the basement’s laundry room. When I was three, my brothers locked me in there. They had a large Frankenstein model four feet high and attached strings to it like a puppet. I was absolutely terrified and just kept slamming my fists against the steel door until they bruised. I can still picture everything—the pile of clothes, the space between the washer and dryer, how many blouses and jeans hung on the clothesline that stretched across the ceiling. Every time I think of it, I feel the same overwhelming fear. I’m terrified just writing this down. I called the Frankenstein model after that “The Cut Monster.” After we moved, I found it again in the attic. I still remember the exact positioning of its arms and face’s shade of yellow. Needless to say, I never went in the attic again.
People often say death is their greatest fear. What are your feelings about death/dying?
My first panic attack about death happened when I was eight, and I continued to have them for years. Having a chronic disease for as long as I have, it’s a good day when I don’t think about death. I’m also a bit of a hypochondriac—but it’s also well-placed anxiety. Death isn’t my greatest fear now. I’ve somewhat come to terms with it. I’ve researched so many near-death experiences. I binge them on YouTube and have a ton of books with theories and beliefs about the afterlife. I do believe in some kind of life after death—at least that consciousness goes on. C.S. Lewis wrote, “We are not a body with a soul. We are a soul with a body.” What scares me the most is the process of dying. The pain, the weakness, and on and on. When I die, I want it to be fast. A widow-maker heart attack for instance. Let’s hope that’s not a premonition. Or maybe it wouldn’t be bad if it is. When I’m 90.
What are your phobias?
Ledges. Not necessarily heights. I like to be up high in a skyscraper behind windows. But get me near a ledge and my legs grow incredibly weak and my arms shake. I’ve often thought that if I was reincarnated, in a past life, I fell from a high place. It just really gives me the willies.
What’s your favorite horror movie or television series?
The Haunting of Hill House. I’ve read the novel, and in this case, the book is not better than the movie (or series). I thought I’d grown immune to horror movies and TV. There’s not much I haven’t seen. But that series is so well done. The Crooked Neck Lady. The mother waltzing with something invisible down the statue-filled hallways at night. I love how everything threads through the other episodes in very surprising ways. My wife was away and I watched it over a few nights. Not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
What’s creepier: clowns, dolls, or wax figures?
It’s a toss-up between dolls and wax figures. But I’d ultimately choose dolls. There’s always this feeling that they are going to start moving or talking. Right after my mother died, I was staying in the old house. In the closet in my old bedroom I found bunch of very large dolls that she’d been collecting. Even though it was my last chance to spend a night in my childhood home, I took one look at them and went to stay at a hotel.
Have you ever had any paranormal experiences or premonitions? How did you deal with it?
Yes. I love them. I don’t know what they are—glitches in the Matrix, real ghosts, energy fields. After my mother died, the light in the guest room started turning on and off for maybe ten seconds. I asked my mother if it was her and to prove it by turning it off and on again. It did. I thought this was just a coincidence. I asked again. It went on and off. And asked again and it did. Months later, I was upstairs in my bedroom and each night I’d hear two knocks. I thought it was just the wood floors expanding or something. Then I started to knock back. Down the hall came two knocks. My mother and I used to hold hands when I was little, and we would take turns squeezing twice. There are other experiences outside of my mother I could describe. I want to have paranormal experiences. I’ll be the first one to stay in a haunted house alone if I can find one. If there is something else beyond this world, to me, it proves there is something beyond death.
“I’m terrified of mirrors. You can see anything. Endless images in mirror reflecting mirror reflecting mirror. It’s a form of Cubism.”
What is your favorite urban legend?
Bloody Mary. I’m terrified of mirrors. You can see anything. Endless images in mirror reflecting mirror reflecting mirror. It’s a form of Cubism. Just so much potential for something creepy to happen. Or see all forms of the self, which is probably more terrifying than a murderer. The legend is the entry point. And damn scary!
What is your favorite monster/villain?
Dorian Gray. Just a cool story told in exquisite prose. Perhaps it’s the portrait acting sort of as a mirror that grabs me.
What scares you most about the writing process?
Writing is an act of discovery. To me it’s like using a divining rod. My fear is that I won’t find anything, which is often the case.
What’s something that most people are afraid of that you are not?
Sharks, to a degree. I live close to the ocean and like to go swimming. I usually swim out to where the surfers are, maybe 30-40 yards. If the sharks are there, well, then they are there.
Once I was swimming off a lobster boat at the Isle of Shoals (about five miles off Portsmouth, NH). I was diving off the roof of the boat. I’d submerge maybe 15-20 feet where it starts to get pretty dark. A friend on the boat told me someone had radioed to say a few great whites had been spotted about a half mile away. I dove again. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be afraid if one swam next to me. But I’m not afraid to go in the water when they are around. It’s a thrilling fear.